Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
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[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.