Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
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I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door