The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
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I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
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oh no, steve’s working tonight
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away