*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
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I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.