me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
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How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”