“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
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son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Imma just leave this here…………
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal