[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
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I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.