I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
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*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Who called it baking and not making love
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I’ve been drinking.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.