My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
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[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after