I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
You Might Also Like
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
If snakes were wide
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
BRAKING NEWS!!
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.