Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
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FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Current mood: Potato
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency