I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
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Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
This 4th of July, please remember…
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Duck typos.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them