me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
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Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
New menu item
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
LA today:
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating