The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
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Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
idk flipping houses looks really hard
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch