Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
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GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I need a headline like this
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.