I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
SCARY COSTUME
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Spell check is for lasers.