When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
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I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
don’t we all
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
This took me a second..
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”