I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.