Still my favourite meme.
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“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*