Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
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My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
They’re not wrong
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
“you recording!?”
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”