Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
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If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice