PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
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Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.