Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
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Facebook marketplace is a different world
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Batman v Dracula
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I was bored.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’