Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
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I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Not recommended for beginners.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.