I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
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Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work