Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
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[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.