Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
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Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one