I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
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H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?