I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
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My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
just witnessed a drug deal
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.