A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
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saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Did…did a minotaur write this
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Two types of dogs.