I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
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Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.