Beware of fowl play.
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On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
*frowns in Scottish*