Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
You Might Also Like
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”