[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
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I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.