[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
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dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.