[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
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That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Its true…
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.