Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
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Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.