I have the bruises of a much more active person.
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Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name