professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
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[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so