Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
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I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Candles never taste the way they smell