Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
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my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”