I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
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Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Still cracks me up
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave