Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
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Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My first child will be named New Folder.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap