Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
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I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Happy Halloween 🎃
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps