wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
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[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I did not eat the cake…
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My friend is an excellent librarian.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.