You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
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I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.