Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
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When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.