My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
You Might Also Like
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.