Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
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Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest