ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
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Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My Plans 2020
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
This raises questions
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I created you as mosquito food.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.